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Artist Exposed

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The Missing Puzzle Piece

What was once a black hole is now a fuzzy image

A scene that seems so familiar but still so distant

It's been happening much more since I quit drinking

Picking up a pen seems to help me start thinking

But there's still that missing puzzle piece I just can't seem to remember

It's not just affecting my anxiety, it's affecting my temper

A thousand broken pieces falling together, but the image isn't clear yet

And now I'm unsure I want to remember what I spent years drinking to forget

I was once drowning, but I pulled myself free

It's been almost a year, still don't feel like me

The lifeline I grasped so desperately is now in flames

Like I'm losing the life I just fought so hard to reclaim

Forgotten and unwanted memories are flooding my mind

I'm looking for an answer but I'm scared of what I will find

I keep pushing through the flames for the hope of a better tomorrow

But no matter how hard I fight I can't seem to escape this shadow

Each resurging memory another burden yet to fight

I don't think I can take another one of these sleepless nights

And if I'm honest it's getting harder every day to hold on and keep fighting

But I promise I won't fall back under, because I know I'm doing the right thing

Anxiety

I have been clinging to my sobriety by my teeth

Feels like a rope's tied around my ankle, pulling me beneath

Dragging me down, refusing to let go

I'm too much a hero, as we all know

To leave them alone in their struggles

Doesn't matter the tasks I juggle

I'll be there, my heart bleeding and broken

My insanity has once more woken

Now completely alone without any support

Cowering behind the net, the ball's in my court

But anxiety holds me back

With a thousand panic attacks

Self sabotaging every relationship throughout my whole life

Always pushing myself to work harder, never taking delight

Never taking pride in my accomplishments

And ignoring everyone's acknowledgements

Looking up, threatened by another mountain I have yet to climb

And I know I could fix my life if I could just go back in time

Thoughts, questions and anxiety keep me awake each night

And when I do sleep, the monsters chase me back with a fright

There's no where left I can hide

Because they live in my mind

Don't tell me they're not real, just an illusion in my head

They're real, they live in my past. And I fear that I'll retread

I put everyone else first and force a smile every day

Ignore my poor mental health, lie and say that I'm OK

But I'm only human and I need a break

I need to focus on me for my own sake

It doesn't mean that I don't care

It just means I'm learning to share

I'm sharing a piece of kindness and love with myself

And I think it's time that you do the same for yourself

The Struggling Artist

Did Van Gough feel this helpless?

This tiny in such a vast space. Floating around, just waiting for the end. Art being my only coping method, our only thread attaching us to reality. Completely alone, lost in a dark existence. No one seems to understand.

It's only me.

Did Shakespeare spend half his life in bed?

Sleepless nights wondering if his name would go down in history? Did he even dream that he would change the English language and art of writing forever? Inspire generations of artists, writers, books, and films?

Did Edgar Allan Poe ever envision his poetry coming to life?

Did he ever dream his visions would save real lives? Who's to say if it was insanity or a horrific reality causing our depression, addictions, illnesses, and anxiety. I've heard it before, "Sane people don't just lose it." If I'm truly insane, I know I'm in good company. But maybe sanity is an illusion. A dream we're all unable to achieve to make us all alone and feel helpless. Only the honest let the confliction show. Maybe it's a dream we all cling to. Hoping to one day feel a sliver of sanity. It gives us a reason to drink, take medication. Drown the pain, and take the pills for what's left over. Take more in the morning before starting it all over. Paint or write in your time between, that's how you become a successful artist.

Did the artists before me also wonder if their heroes felt as lonely? If future artists would look up to them? Hang their paintings for inspiration? Have conversations with their heroes in their head? Wonder what the inspiration behind their favourite piece was? Wish they could ask advice, how to be successful, what mistakes to ignore. Did they dream about having these conversations late at night in their bed? Or am I truly an anomaly? Forever destined to be struggling and misunderstood? Even those who inspired my journey unable to relate.

Some say I'm the most talented person they know constantly waiting for my motivation to show. But I'm pushing myself so hard every single day and I still have no progress to show for it. Will I be this way forever? Will I ever make it? Or am I forever destined to be a starving artist? Selling nothing but making myself sick from exhaustion to please those who won't pay me? Feeling lost in a world that doesn't appreciate beauty or truth. Forever the outcast, the weird one, with her head in the clouds. I never fit in, I never will. I've accepted it but I can't help but wonder, if I'm the only one who has ever felt this way. If I'll ever be successful, or accepted. Or of I'm destined to be a struggling artist forever, merely watching a world I'll never understand.

Growth

Her anger a volcano

Not caring for a moment who she hit with her burning lava

Her words a tornado

Ferociously twisting and turning, beginning so much drama

She was never given the chance to grow

Her lack of knowledge was starting to show

Like a fish kept in a tank too small

Or a tree suppressed from growing tall

Now she surpasses with life experience

She's moving on, done with the interference

She's all grown up, ready to make her own decisions and mistakes

In all of these toxic traditions, she will no longer partake

Like a rose needs patience to bloom

Please step back and give her some room

Until now her maturity ran slow, like molasses

Watch her grow, like a phoenix ascending from it's ashes

Two Days

Ears ringing, I just can't think

Head spinning, dying for a drink

Got a knot in my stomach, and a lump in my throat

I'm being poisoned while refusing the antidote

Longing for a new beginning

While the world keeps slowly spinning

Everyone else continues in their own way

While I feel as though my life is in decay,

Unstable, and insecure

Alone, completely unsure

Is this the correct path

Or perhaps misplaced wrath?

It's not a problem cuz I can control it.

Take a seat, grab a glass, time to console it

Take a deep breath, release then take a sip

I'll be hooked the second it hits my lips

It's the harsh burn that I deeply crave

And the only thing that makes me brave

The burn on my tongue was the only pain that I allowed

Saying goodbye is hard and I know I should be proud

But it became an issue and so I'm ashamed

I'm making a promise, this habit will be tamed

My body aches

And then it shakes

Can't go just 2 days without it? How pathetic

I'm not an alcoholic, one drink won't wreck it

I've gone way longer without these issues

I don't have to quit to stop the misuse

Just slow down like last time and the many before

Said myself, addiction's my nature down to my core

Can't change my DNA, so I'll just have a drink

I'm not addicted, but it will help me think

It's my favourite crutch, I don't have to knock it

Keep it a secret, put it in a box and lock it

Don't tell a single soul

Cuz no one has to know.

NSAIDS

"No one gets addicted. These are safe," the doctor promised in vain

"So don't be afraid, take these to ease any and all of your pain"

And now my head always aches, only the pills make the migraines leave

I would not have accepted if I knew of side effects like these

Double my dose to ease the pain, don't mean to get carried away

Sick was how I came to them, sick was how they wanted me to stay

Sober

Don't know what I did to deserve this

Trying so hard just to preserve this

Spiraling out of control

Dying to once more feel whole

I'm refusing to take their pills, I won't be a zombie

But I'm really missing the way whiskey used to calm me

Art is my only escape

But it leaves my mind agape

Free to explore and wander

Back to the years I squandered

My Friend, Depression

Hey there, how have you been?

Not sure how you got in...

Every single night

I lock the doors tight

Three clicks to be precise

And then I still check thrice

Just to be sure you don't return

Though your presence, I'll always yearn.

The warm embrace your misery provides

To say I don't miss you would be lies

The constant embrace of your despair

Of which I had no choice but to share

Felt I'd never escape your grasp

Though we BOTH had a tight clasp

I'd rather feel your agony than joy

Pretending to be happy was a ploy

Always felt out of touch

Never really cared much

Thinking one day I'd lose all control

Now I long for the childhood you stole

Growing up I was suicidal

Never thought I'd survive past high school

You said that I wasn't meant to survive.

But I escaped my teens.

I'm alive.

I'm struggling, I'm scared

And I'm so ill-prepared

But I'm alive

Which means you lied.

So why should I listen to you this time?

I'm getting along without you just fine.

Yeah, "just fine." No, not great.

But joy is worth the wait.

I wasted years of my life trying to escape you

Now that you have returned, I do not know what to do

Whiskey used to be my muse

Before that, it was the noose.

I once watched you steal the life of a friend

The jealousy almost brought my end

I wanted to die, living was agony

You kept with your lies, No one was saving me

That's why I started to drink

I had thoughts no one should think

I didn't have nightmares

After drinking those beers

Chasing the bottom of every bottle

The way I treated myself was awful

Alcohol - for years, my best kept secret

But quitting may be my only regret

I was the only one at the party for so long

One by one they left, til all my friends were gone

Dancing alone to the music no one else could hear

You convinced me there was no problem, nothing to fear

But alone each night I wipe away another tear

Looking back now I can see my addiction was so clear

Been working so hard on my sobriety

But it just increases my anxiety

You have utterly destroyed my life

Flashbacks from looking at a knife

Creating scars, the pain my addiction

The pain I've caused is starting to sink in

Was trying to bury all my sadness and dread

But found I was numbing my happiness instead

He showed me a picture he took of me smiling

Didn't recognize myself and started crying

Almost like I don't know who I am anymore

You said I was dumb, ugly, lazy, and a whore

This woman is smart and beautiful

Unlike you said, her life is meaningful

She has so much to live for

And people who care for her

Your hold on her life is slipping

Watch her circumstance is flipping

From darkness to light

You can't win this fight

I won't listen to you anymore

You can let yourself back out the door

Ignoring you won't be a crime

Besides I just don't have the time

Depression’s Response

I promise it wasn't a lie

When I told you that you would die

It's coming soon so be prepared

I love watching you get so scared

Your face white as a ghost

Your back straight as a post

Your Eyes are so wide

Knowing you Can't hide

Not from me

Soon you'll see

I have never lied to you through all these years

I've helped you hide your fears

But you can't hide from me as you wipe your tears

Your pain causing my cheers

Whisper your prayers, only my demons can hear you now

I'll watch them destroy and break you down as I take a bow

Your total destruction and demise

Equates my satisfaction and prize

Take my hand and walk through

Do it, like you-know-who

They saw the truth and took my hand

Like you will too at my command

I promise you will see them soon

"To your own self you must be true"

So take my hand, and take a step forward

Your fate awaits, right around the corner

To meet your Heroes as you step onward

It has been and may again be altered

But all the great artists die young

Before their greatness has yet sprung

These "Starving Artists"

Inspiring darkness

Tragedy and pain

Is the price of fame

Never living to see how your art inspires future generations

Or how the artists of tomorrow pay homage to your creations

Ignoring me would be catastrophic

Yet One among your magnitude of errors

Just stop pretending you're oh so philosophic

While following the rectitude of your carers

Why you are still blaming me is beyond my comprehension

Now listen very closely. Do I still have your attention?

I am your darkest thoughts, remove all other misconceptions

I'm not a monster at all, you have such poor recollection

I have kept you safe, aware of all the dangers

When you were a mere waif, relying on strangers

If it weren't for me, you'd be dead on a street

Because of me you were always up on your feet

Always knowing how to approach the next battle

I don't think I've ever even seen you rattled

Always so calm and prepared

Always anxious and so scared

My demons boiling deep underneath

A secret weapon in your sheath

We always kept you on your toes

And warned you about your foes

You call that weakness, we call it strength

All these years you've kept me at arms length

You called it depression

Taking pills to keep me away

I called it suppression

Now I'm back, and I think I'll stay

My dogs and my demons will tear you apart

Rip your flesh from your bones then bring me your heart

I'll carefully box it and add it to my collection

Then on to my next victim, humans have no protection

Can't hide from me, I'm a virus in their very soul

Some try to run, but their heart forever hosts a hole

Forever filling

But they're never whole

I take the willing

I collect their souls

I tainted your whiskey, I poisoned your beer

It made sure you missed me, while stealing your fear

It dragged you back down under while celebrating your success

I know you are powerful, let's not pretend

I know about all the mighty weapons and strengths you possess

But you won't harm me, I'm depression, your friend

I've watched you vanquish addictions

And rise above your afflictions

Never ignored your convictions

Or humoured a contradiction

But my grip still holds you

And my words still scold you

You take it all so personally

To hold on to for eternity

So what does that say about my hold on you?

You know better, but still take my word as truth

You're too smart for me to bring you down

But when I visit, you start to drown

In fury, anxiety, and pain

Your jealousy, anger, and disdain

Don't lie, you have a strong rage, it's just suppressed

You're not different or special, just like the rest

Your naivety will be your doom

Just stop fighting, you'll be with me soon

You must be tired from all the conflict, take a rest

When you do I promise you'll dine with the best

Historic heroes and fellow dreamers

Just leave behind all these non believers

Give in to me and your art will live on

Take my hand, and from this world we will be gone

Just think about it Jay

Remember we're the same

Believe me, I want the best for you

Trust me, This is what I too would do

After all, remember....

I am you.

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